Rite of Passage
by SushiBomb
Summary: In which Levi thinks he's a man, Squalo is outraged, Lussuria is a lecher, and Bel is still much too young to understand what's going on. Young!Varia. Gift-fic #3 of 13. Written for Squalosaurus. Enjoy the massive crack!


A/N: It's finally done Kyon :D

Gift-fic for Squalosaurus the faggosaurus

Sorry it was so late coming out

Characters: Young!Levi. Also, just Young!Varia in general.

Warnings: Boys being immature, language

Extreme amount of crack, please don't take this seriously lol Me and Kyon have a very fucked up sense of humor, and this is kind of a little inside joke between us on tumblr/Skype. But yeah, enjoy!

Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.

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><p>Rite of Passage<p>

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><p>It was a normal day in the Varia mansion.<p>

Or, at least as normal as it could get, considering it was the _Varia_ mansion.

The sun was just beginning to set, and for once, everyone was home. Belphegor and Lussuria were out in the courtyard doing some nightly training exercises, since it was much cooler outside without the scorching mediterranean sun beating down on them. Bel was still perfecting many of his more advanced knife techniques, but the precocious little eight-year old prince learned very quickly, unfortunately for Lussuria, who was barely able to fend off the constant onslaught of knives with his swift kicks.

Squalo had already been out in the yard for most of the day; practicing the latest sword style he had conquered, courtesy of an arrogant nobleman from the north who sought out the future sword emperor to put him in his place.

Needless to say, he paid for his arrogance with his life.

Xanxus was stuck in his office, on the phone with his adoptive father, the Ninth. Mammon was in his own room, most likely doing something that involved making money, and Levi…

Well, Levi was…

"Woohoo! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, SUPERBIA SQUALO!"

Squalo briefly glanced up the stairs at the sound of Levi's voice ringing from his room upstairs before rolling his eyes and staring back at the TV. Whatever Levi was so excited about, Squalo was sure he'd be downstairs shouting about it in his ear very shortly.

And sure enough, not a minute later, Levi came barreling down the stairs, clad in only his trousers.

"What the fuck's up with you?" Squalo asked, eyeing the taller man suspiciously. A large, almost childishly giddy grin snaked its way across Levi's face.

"I won the bet, Squalo." He declared smugly.

Squalo sighed in annoyance as he switched the TV off. "Oh really? And what bet would that be?"

"I told you I would grow some before you, didn't I?" Levi said with a chuckle.

Squalo scowled sharply. "Voi! No the fuck you didn't!"

Levi grinned widely. "I did, and now you owe me a hundred dollars."

Right then, both Lussuria and Belphegor wandered in from the courtyard, both breathing heavily from their evening training, covered from head to toe in dirt and scrapes.

"What's going on?" Lussuria asked nonchalantly as he pulled off his dirty muscle shirt and slung the slightly damp garment over one shoulder. Squalo scoffed.

"Vooooiii, this son of a bitch actually became a man before me. Fuck that shit."He growled.

Levi did a little victory dance right there in the middle of the room, laughing loudly as Squalo's frown deepened.

Lussuria clapped flamboyantly, chirping a mile a minute in his excitement for Levi's apparently newly acquired manhood. "That's wonderful, Levi darling!" He gushed as he slung an arm around Levi's neck.

Belphegor stared up at everyone curiously.

"How did he become a man?" Bel asked, staring up at everyone from behind his long bangs. Everyone looked at the eight-year-old prince awkwardly for a moment before Squalo reluctantly responded.

"He finally grew some hair…you know…down there."

Belphegor frowned. "What?"

"Aren't you supposed to be a fuckin' genius or something? Down _there_." Squalo said, nodding towards his crotch passively. Belphegor just stared at him oddly. "I don't get it." He said blithely after a moment.

Squalo smacked his forehead, feeling more and more like killing himself as the seconds passed. Why was he always the one who got stuck with the job of explaining things to Belphegor? But luckily, Levi decided to fill the young prince in.

"I grew my first pube." H said proudly. Belphegor gave him a look that could've easily been read as disgust, if and only if Belphegor had had the slightest clue what Levi was talking about. But then again, a-look-that-could've-easily-been-read-as-disgust was usually how the little prince looked at Levi most of the time anyway, so basically he just stared at him normally.

"Pube? That sounds gross." He said with scoff, before thinking for amoment. "Wait…do I have those?" Bel asked with genuine curiosity. Everyone gave him an extremely discomfited grimace. Squalo sighed as he knelt down to Bel's level.

"Kid, if you had pubes at your age, we'd be taking you the fuck over to see Shamal, because that shit ain't normal."

"Oh." Bel said, absently putting a hand on his head to touch his hair.

Squalo stood up and walked up to Levi. "Lemme see it."

Levi sputtered uncomfortably. "Y-you wanna see it?"

Squalo nodded determinedly. "Yeah I wanna fuckin' see it, stupid. You think I'm just gonna fork over a hundred damn dollars without proof?"

"Yes Levi dear, show us the proof of your _manhood_…ohoho~!" Lussuria cooed slyly. Levi shoved the martial artist off as if the other man was on fire (which he was, in a metaphorical sense anyway), his face a decidedly unflattering shade of red.

"I wanna see too!" Bel said curiously from somewhere behind Squalo and Lussuria, who were currently crowded around the thunder guardian, the first annoyed and insistent, the other unabashedly lecherous. From behind them, Levi could hear Bel grunting and struggling to see too; every so often he could see a head of blonde from between the gap in between Lussuria and Squalo's bodies, jumping and wiggling to get an actual view.

"Well?" Squalo snapped, "The fuck are you waiting for? Show us."

Levi looked distinctly uncomfortable for a few seconds before finally shrugging and undoing the belt on his trousers. Squalo walked closer and yanked them open and peered down the front of the unbuckled trousers.

"I don't see anything." He said after almost a minute. Levi growled. "What are you, blind? It's right here!" He shouted as he pointed to a certain spot down in his trousers. Squalo leaned down to look, his eyes narrowed to nearly slits.

Lussuria snorted. "And here I thought I was the only gay one on the team." He said slyly under his breath, low enough for only Bel to hear him. The prince slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from bursting out laughing.

Meanwhile, Squalo was still searching for the elusive 'first growth.'

Levi sighed in mild frustration. "Squalo, look. Right there." He pointed to a spot near the junction where his hip met in a triad with his groin and upper thigh. After a moment, Squalo finally made a noise of realization.

"Hmmph." He grunted curiously, still staring down Levi's pants in the most oddly un-heterosexual manner ever.

"Well?" Levi pressed.

"…."

Squalo suddenly reached down into Levi's pants. "Wha-hey-YOOWWW!"

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Levi. There was nothing there. You're still as bare as a baby's ass to me." Squalo said with an underhanded grin as he removed his hand from Levi's pants and shook out his gloved hand.

Levi was nearly in tears, holding his crotch like he had just been sexually violated by a creepy relative. "You-you bastard! I can't believe you just did that! How could you?"

Squalo just stared at him nonchalantly. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said with an idle shrug. Levi sputtered indignantly. "Ye-yes you do! That was my very first one and you just ripped it right out! That hurt like hell! Just because you don't wanna pay me! Sore loser!"

"Ah shaddup," Squalo snapped before sucker-punching Levi right in the gut.

Lussuria and Belphegor were also in tears, but for a completely different reason. Belphegor's face was buried into Lussuria's side, the prince nearly turning pink from laughter. Lussuria himself was almost completely doubled over in hysteria, a gloved hand covering his mouth and muffling his laughter.

Levi glared heatedly at the cackling pair, and then at Squalo, who was just smirking at him with the most arrogant grin he'd possibly ever seen on Squalo's face.

"Looks like you're back to square one, ass-face. Bet's back on." He said with a hearty guffaw before planting himself back on the couch.

Levi puffed up like a provoked pufferfish, trembling for a while before finally spinning on his heel and stomping back upstairs, muttering unintelligibly all the way back to his room.

Oh, Squalo would rue this day. Levi swore it.

Downstairs, he could hear Lussuria and Bel still laughing.

They would get their comeuppance as well.

"You all just wait." He swore under his breath, managing to look only moderately intimidating, as he was still clutching at crotch tenderly.

That had really hurt.

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><p>Meri laito kurisumasu Kyon-Kyon. I hope this crack was to your liking :D<p>

Read and Review guys!


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